Parenting Guru

Divorce is sad, divorce is unfortunate, yet it is a fact of life. It is as old as marriage and is based on the premise of freedom to get out of a relationship that is not working.

Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn’t make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up.

Divorce is always sad. That is why even the law gives time for the couple to think it over.

But, if you have read any of my other articles, you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward – to see how you can make the best of a bad situation.

The accent should be on damage control if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen.

And, the priority should be to make all efforts to minimize its impact on the kids. Here are some suggestions on how to do that:

1. Don’t get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.

So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It’s a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor.

This does not imply that you should continue in an abusive relationship ‘only for the sake of the children.’ If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of it the better for all who are affected by it.

2. Once you have taken the decision to go in for a divorce, go about it in grown-up manner and as far as possible try to separate amicably. Discuss it and agree that under the circumstances it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes; they will drain you out emotionally and financially. Hurt feelings will become impediments in your efforts to move on with life. You can’t begin to imagine what impact it can have on the children.

3. Even if the other person is “evil”, do NOT engage in a hate campaign against them. That is the parent of your child you are talking about – how would you like it if people spoke about YOUR parents that way? Again, be grown- up and honest with your children. Answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can, reassuring them that YOU are not planning to leave too (that is a very common fear).

4. At the same time, do not defend the other parent if he/she proves to be constantly unreliable – not turning up for visits when promised, failing to send cards and presents, etc. Your child will be deeply disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and will believe (s)he must have done something wrong. Make it quite clear that it is NOT your child’s fault that you separated, nor their fault that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. Another very important aspect is to encourage your children to keep in touch with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. Encourage visits, phone calls and letters. Let your child get the love and attention of both parents despite your feelings.

6. Never send messages to the other parent through your children. If you have something to communicate, pick up the phone and say it; don’t involve your children in your fights and arguments.

7. If the other parent really is harmful or abusive to the children, then do everything in your power to protect them. But make sure this is not just your own pain, guilt or jealousy speaking!

8. As a rule, joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other doesn’t seem to work. Children need a place they can call home. Be objective and think of your child’s interest. If the other parent really is emotionally and financially stronger, and can take better care of the kids – then don’t let your ego stop you from permitting it. It may hurt you very bad, but you are an adult and should be able to handle it. Give preference to what is good your child. At the same time, don’t interfere with the parenting style of the other parent. You do your best in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Be sensitive about introducing new boyfriends/ girlfriends into the home. Children will harbor, for a long time, a fantasy that their parents will get back together. Bringing a new lover into the home dashes those hopes and will often result in an angry backlash from them. Understand where they are coming from and take it all slowly.

10. Above all, get yourself sorted out. Heal from the wounds, learn from the past, and be an example to your children of how to overcome a bad situation and turn it to good. Give your children hope, not despair, about human relationships, or they will just repeat the same cycle when they grow up.

You can protect your children from the fallout of your divorce if you handle it in a mature manner. Be calm, sensible and adult about all the issues that concern your children.

All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.

Go over to Dr. Noel Swanson’s website for more expert parenting advice. Also make sure you also get his book The GOOD CHILD Guide – it really is a must-buy for every parent. Visit here for more parenting articles.

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