Parenting Guru

The problem is that children don’t arrive with an owner’s handbook.

Which is tragic, really, considering the fact that they are embarking on the most important task of their lives. After all, the success of their children depends, to a large part on their success as parents. And the success of each generation, of the neighborhood, even of the country and the continent, depends, to a large extent, on the success of that generation’s parents in raising them.

By definition, most parents are “average” and their children grow up to lead “average” lives. They find, and keep, a job, find a loving partner, and do a reasonable job of raising the children.

But is “average” all that we want for our kids and our society?

First, if average is average, then half the population are below average. We see the results of that all around us – crime, poverty, prostitution, homelessness, child abuse and so on. And we see the cycles of depravation repeated from one generation to the next. As ineffectual parents pass on their lack of skills to their children.

But suppose we could rase that level of “average”? Suppose we could give all this new generation some new skills so that when they become parents they have something better to pass on to the next generation? Wouldn’t that result in a better outcome for ALL of us?

Second, in a multi-cultural, complex society we need ever better leaders. Men and women who are “whole” – not bogged down by insecurities, hurts and fears that result in corruption, hidden agendas and selfish ambition. We need leaders, in all areas of society, not just politics, who have a capacity for love, generosity, compassion and tolerance. From where do such qualities come? From growing up in secure, loving, and confident families, that’s where.

Third, don’t we, as parents ourselves, want to give our own children the best possible start to life? For them to grow up happy, confident, and skilled in social relationships? Don’t we long for them to be able to avoid the mistakes that we made?

But how can we teach them all that unless we ourselves have been taught? And if all that we have been taught comes solely from what our own, fallible, parents passed on, and from what we have, by chance, picked up from movies, TV, and our friends and neighbors, is it not surprising that the raising of our own children becomes a rather hit-and-miss affair?

Yet the whole notion of learning to parent seems anathema. We won’t let people operate a car, a gun, a boat, a scalpel, even an electric saw without proper training – but we are quite happy to let them operate a child for 18 years with no training whatsoever! Is this some kind of collective madness? We don’t say, “let everyone drive a car without a license, but then if they have an accident we will require them to get some training”. But that is exactly what we say when it comes to having children! In most people’s mind, parenting classes are only for “welfare cases”.

Isn’t that just shear madness? In every other area of life we pay good money and invest many hours of time to get the training we need to learn new skills. Yet when it comes to raising our own children, we think we can just make it up as we go along?

Most mothers, these days, take ante-natal classes to prepare for the birth of their new baby. Why? Because they want to give their baby the best chance of a safe and successful birth. But that was the easiest part! Far more difficult is knowing what to do with this child for the next 18 years! But no-one seeks preparation and training for that!

Such ante-natal advice and help has had a major impact on the health of newborn babies. Isn’t it reasonable to expect that widespread parenting advice and help would raise the health of our society and our world?

To bring it closer to home, take a look at your own life? If you have children, are you doing the best you can? How do you know you are? You don’t know what you don’t know, so if you have not had some teaching, how can you know that you are doing all you can to inspire and motivate your children? That you are adapting your behavior to match their temperament so as to best give them confidence and teach them responsibility? Wouldn’t it be worth to spend a bit of time and money to read some books, attend a seminar, or watch a DVD so that you can understand them even better?

And how will your children learn good parenting skills? Should they just watch what you do and copy that?

It seems to me that something that crucial for the success of individuals and of society should be systematically taught in school, right alongside the other essentials for life, such as reading, writing and math.

So, next time you watch the news and see yet another tragic shooting, murder, suicide or rape, ask yourself how different it might have been if that person’s parents, and grandparents, had had some decent guidance on the challenging task of raising their kids?

Then go and get yourself a parenting book. Read it. Discuss it with your friends. You might be amazed at what you discover!

Dr. Noel Swanson’s website provides free expert parenting tips – just sign up for his newsletter and get a free chapter of his book, The GOOD CHILD Guide. You can also meet with other parents on a parenting forum.

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