Parenting Guru

Q. “I am a single mother with a 7 year old daughter (Caitlin), and two sons (Tom, 9 & Liam, 11). Cait is doing fine, but I am having real problems with the too boys. Tom has learning difficulties at school, but seems to behave fine there. It is when he comes home that we get all the temper tantrums. Liam just seems to hate me. He is always rude, and never shows any affection towards me. Liam’s dad never visits, and Tom’s dad died when he was a baby. I am so stressed, what am I doing wrong?”

A. I’m sorry you’re having problems with them. We all expect parenting to be fun and rewarding, at least most of the time.

First, stop blaming yourself as it won’t accomplish a thing. Just like anyone else, you have most likely made lots of bad decisions. It doesn’t matter. The big question is what do you do now, to make the best of what you have?

Remember too that your daughter is fine, so your mothering skills must be on the right track.

It is also good news that your younger son is doing well at school. If he is able to settle down and work, even though he has learning difficulties, that is very encouraging. However, you might want to check with the school about how much he is struggling there, as it may be that he is bringing his frustrations home.

Undoubtedly, both boys are feeling the lack of their fathers. This is a tough situation. It most likely is easier for the youngest one. At least his dad died, and didn’t purposely leave him. As for the absent dad, there isn’t much you can do except be up-front about it. Don’t defend or berate him. If you take his side then your son will feel that you are siding with his “loser dad” and not him. If you say anything negative about him, your son will want to defend his dad.

Don’t forget that we can’t change anyone, including our children. You can however, change yourself. Think about behaviors you can change in yourself that would make your life more serene. It may surprise you to know that if you feel more positive, your children will also feel more positive. On the other hand, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you will reap the same results.

The most important thing for you is to believe in yourself and your children. Look ahead instead of back, and make a decision as to how you want to be. Keep that vision positive. In other words, don’t think about what you don’s want and don’t keep worrying. Imagine all the things you do want to happen. Remember too that changes come in baby steps, so you won’t be completely happy overnight. Just keep making small advances and know that how you’re living now takes a lot of work. Read parenting books, talk to other parents. As long as you keep focused on improving your lives, you will get there.

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