Parenting Guru

Nothing creates adult anger like children lying. It’s ironic since it’s usually adults who set the child up to lie. This is how it works:

Mum heard that Greg was seen throwing stones at another child:

“Greg, what have you been up to this afternoon?” [What, you expect me to confess if you don't know?]

“Like what? I haven’t been doing anything”, he says innocently and looked a bit confused.

“Did you throw rocks at the new girl?” [Maybe I can still get away with it]

“No”, he answers incredulous that you would even suspect him.

“Interesting, since Mavis said you did.”

“It had to be some other kid.” [Why would she believe a neighbor over me?]

“She seems pretty sure it was you.”

“She’s crazy, it wasn’t me!”

Mum’s first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she’ll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he’s guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.

Since most kids lie to stay out of trouble, it’s up to you to promote truth and honesty. Don’t tempt them to tell more lies. You have to make it beneficial for incriminating himself, instead of letting him off the hook. Lay a foundation of truth telling and honesty for your whole family. This means you can’t lie either. Watch your children for honesty, and reward them when they are. Keep talking about how valuable honesty is as well as a good reputation. Show them that honesty is great and that it will be rewarded.

The next time you suspect your child of something, remain calm.

If you know for sure that he is guilty, don’t tempt him to lie by asking him if he did it. Give him the details that you know and punish him.

On the other hand, you can invite them to tell you the truth. This is how it might be done:

“Hi Greg, I was talking with Mavis this afternoon, and she told me about something that she saw. I would like to hear your version. Why don’t you go away and think it over for 15 minutes. Don’t forget how much we value honesty in our home.”

This will give Greg a chance to think things over. He can dig a bigger hole for himself, or he can be honest and face the consequences. If he tells you the truth, praise him for his honesty. If he chooses to lie, even after thinking about it, then you must double his punishment. He has now both lied and thrown stones at someone, and there are consequences for both.

However he responds, have a talk with him when things have quieted down. Talk about why he may have done it. Was he mad, jealous, or feeling insecure? Tell him that such feelings are normal, but they don’t excuse acting badly. This will take time, as he won’t talk until he knows he can trust you not to be angry with him.

Dr. Noel Swanson runs a very interesting website on child behavior, so if you could do with some tips for dealing with your children it might be worth a visit. Also find more parenting articles here.

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