Help! My Child Won’t go to School
“I need help! My 9 year old daughter has started resisting school. She misses several days every week, complaining of tummy or head aches. When I try to talk to her she screams and cries. She acts as if she’s terrified to go.”
Situations like this require a firm hand. Do not be tempted to wait and hope that she will eventually go to school by herself. If left too long, she may never go back.
At the same time, recognise that her anxiety and distress are genuine. Getting angry at her will not work.
Try to work out if her fear is about going to school (school phobia), leaving you or home (separation anxiety), or going into crowded public places (agoraphobia).
Talk with her teachers. She might be having trouble on the way to school such as bullying, embarrassment, or abused. These things could also be happening once she gets to school. Identify the problems so that you can work with her on them.
Take her to the doctor for a complete physical examination. Tell the doctor the whole story and ask him to rule out any serious illnesses.
If he rules out an illness, then believe what he says. Don’t have a lot of expensive tests. Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she’ll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options;
Option one is to tell her she has to go to school. Of course if she shows symptoms of real illness, you would keep her home. Simply “not feeling good” isn’t a good enough reason not to go. Adults go to work with headaches and other fairly minor ailments.
The second option is to believe her. Since she says she is too unwell to go to school, then clearly she is too unwell to be up and about the house. If she is sick then she is sick, and so she goes to bed: lights off, curtains closed, no TV, no special snacks. Ignore her and go about your normal daily routine. Make sure that the option of staying home is boring. If she is not sleeping then, ideally she should be doing some school work. Certainly there should be no friends or visitors to entertain her.
Establish some incentives for her to go to school. Some kind of reward or privilege would be in order.
Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don’t argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she’s fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.
If none of this works, or if you are concerned about a serious depression or anxiety disorder, seek professional help through your family doctor.
Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children’s behavior problems and is a valued contributor to Yes Parenting website.
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