Parenting Guru

Consistency is the catchword in parenting. It is the only word that is consistently used for defining your conduct in speech and expression and in action in relation to you and your child plus you and your spouse.

When you are not consistent, you expose your weaknesses and your children learn to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But, you are only human and it’s an arduous task to achieve consistency. And what can you do single-handedly, if the other parent shows no inclination to improve his/her parenting style?

Maybe these pointers will help:

In order to remain calm and maintain consistency, you need to have a plan. You know your situations and you should make a plan how to deal with them

Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, not having a plan, you will simply react with the first idea that comes to mind (which often involves a lot of yelling and threatening!) And next time you will probably react differently.

Set your priorities right. Be firm on the matters you consider important and relent on the unimportant issues. Remember, your child is not a replica of you. Allow some space to your child to grow into an individual in his own right as long as he doesn’t overstep the basic norms of good behavior.

For example – putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice – but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don’t tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can’t expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.

No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?

You don’t even have to agree on everything – as long as you agree to disagree. But even when you disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front of the children. If your partner has said NO you must say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also back you up.

Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to the next looking for the answer they want.

Consistency between parents is very essential and can be achieved by planning ahead. You should sit together and jointly plan the strategy by discussing your rules and expectations. The best way to do it is to read a parenting book together. This helps you come to decisions fast because, even if you disagree with each other, the book will provide the final answer. Stick to it!

But if you simply cannot agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations, what then?

All you can do is be true to yourself, and let your partner be true too.

This may result in some very different parenting styles – one being permissive the other being authoritarian. The children are not stupid. They will quickly work this out, and will know what they can get away with and with whom.

The wider the gap between you, the more problems this will cause in daily life. Often this results in one parent struggling with the child’s behavior, while the other seems to have no problems! In that case, the most logical thing to do is for the parent who is struggling to see what he or she can learn from the other’s style (and, yes, usually it will be that they are more consistent!)

Ultimately it can get so bad that one parent completely destroys any authority or credibility that the other parent might have. If that is happening to you, it is time for some serious thinking (and decisive action) about what is happening in your relationship and what you are going to do about it. If you don’t then your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually loose all respect for yourself too.

The secret is to look at yourself more critically than you look at others. Often, it is your habit that rules your behavior not reason. The golden rule is to change yourself first rather than wait for the other to change first.

Why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson’s website and get hold of his excellent book The GOOD CHILD Guide, as well as more free articles about child behavior problems? For parenting tips visit here.

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