Parenting Guru

‘I felt great until I walked into the classroom – then it all went wrong!’

You may think these are the words of a teacher. But no, it was a high school student just before an important exam. She’d worked hard. A good result would mean a place in college, so she’d made sure she was in the right frame of mind.

Then she blew it. She walked into the classroom where students were gathering before going to the exam hall, and allowed herself to be influenced by them.

Later she mentioned that you could cut the negative atmosphere with a knife. Some students looked so gloomy you’d think they’d had a death sentence. Others were walking up and down nervously, some even saying comments like: ‘I’m doomed, I know it for sure!’ ‘I’ll bet this is going to be a tough one today.’ ‘You’re right, last year’s was easy, so ours will be tough!’ ‘I wish I’d done some work when I had the chance!’

As it continued the student told me she felt the positive energy being sucked out of her. Instead of feeling confident she began to feel sick with fear.

Fortunately, she passed the exam, but she and her family and teachers were disappointed that she never gained the high grade expected of her.

But the girl turned the experience into a learning situation. She became aware that: * If your language is predominantly negative, you won’t achieve your goals * You must guard against the negativity of others – for if you don’t, they can easily ‘infect’ you too!

Our experience in any situation is largely influenced by our attitude to it, (i.e. the way we FEEL, the way we react emotionally to the situation).

The attitude we have works on our thoughts, which in turn affect our speech, then our speech further conditions our thoughts!

And we can be affected not only by our OWN language, but by the language of others – if we’re not careful, that is. Here in the UK teachers are used to hearing students say ‘I’m stuck!’ when working on a classroom assignment or exercise. A challenge has been encountered and the student is having difficulty finding a solution.

Fair enough, ask the teacher for help, that’s what they’re there for. Many a parent has given their kids that advice.

But the words, ‘I’m stuck’, are not so harmless as they may seem

What message does that send to the brain?

As a teacher, I’ve experimented with this many times – and the results are always the same! Whenever I hear someone say ‘I’m stuck’ I usually say, ‘Right, I’ll be with you shortly.’ And I leave them to it.

The same response will be given to students who say, ‘Can you help me, please?’

Can you guess the results? Yes, those who are, in their own words, ‘stuck’ will sit and wait for help. In effect they have told their brains to shut down, there’s no point in trying.

Yet the students who saw themselves as ‘needing help’ have sent their brains a different message: ‘No time for a rest, help is on the way!’ So they keep working.

See how language works?

Perhaps I should add at this point that I only hear ‘I’m stuck!’ in new classes. My students soon learn that they are not trees, so they can’t be stuck!

This is not a denial of reality – it’s simply a way of INTERPRETING reality, and a much better, more effective way at that.

As a writer, I often hear people say they’d love to write a book. Recently one young woman said exactly that, then followed up with ‘. . . but I don’t suppose I ever will.’

My response didn’t please her: ‘No, it’s not very likely, is it?’

However, we talked about negative language, and she was grateful for the advice. As Henry Ford so aptly put it: ‘If you think you can’t – you’re right!’

What, then, can parents do to help not only their children’s schooling but their life skills?

Help them monitor their language. And, as always, give them a good example by keeping our own language positive! Gently point out that ‘I hate Chemistry!’ will only reinforce a negative attitude to that subject.

‘I need to work at it’ will make it easier to do just that!

So far, so good. But what about the negative language of others, which can so easily throw our kids off guard?

This trick may sound ridiculous, but rest assured, it’s effective!

When you encounter a negative atmosphere or negative language, try to remove yourself from it. But if you can’t, just imagine you are enclosed in a plastic bubble or glass bell jar – double or triple glazed if necessary!

Imagine now that your positive language can go out to others and do them good – but their negative comments and behaviour are neatly blocked by your armour, so you are safe.

Why not give it a try? You’ll be impressed

Enjoy your parenting!

Eager to develop your parenting expertise? Check out Frank McGinty’s ParentingBookGold for a free six-step bulletin and access to expert parenting articles, plus the best parenting book products.