Parenting Guru

Q. I have a stepdaughter who is four years old. Her real mother whom she visits on weekends is in and out of jail; she has 86 felonies. Each visit leaves the child distraught; she gets depressed and sinks into her shell.

A. This is, indeed, an unusual situation, though it is very common with separated parents. Generally, the child living with the mother goes to the father for the weekend. But the effect of the meeting is the same: the child behaves queerly – either loud and noisy or absolutely sad and silent.

Now, the question is how to overcome this problem.

As a parent, you can handle the child better than any therapist. So, there is no need to look for one.

Basically, there are two different scenarios. The first is somewhat like our reader’s, in which the ‘other’ parent is not normal. The second is of different parenting styles between one home and the other. Here we will focus on the first kind.

How do you identify the problem? There are various features that suggest that. For instance, the parent can’t be relied on. He/she promises to call or come, but fails to do so. This raises the hopes of the child and heightens the disappointment later on.

Then, when they do go for a visit, they are often ignored, or merely have to fit in with the adult’s own (often inappropriate) plans. In other words, despite their protestations of how much they care, the child is clearly very low on their list of priorities.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won’t, do this weekend.

Some parents are so caught up in their emotions that they, intentionally or inadvertently, start using the child as a messenger for conveying unpleasant remarks about each other. This is damaging for the child. It gives him wrong ideas and he may develop an attitude to play one parent against the other for personal gains.

All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging. They desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care.

These kinds of parents are difficult to deal with even in the courts because they are experts in talking smoothly but their words are hollow. They don’t mean what they say. And, the court has to take the case at its face value.

If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won’t be easy.

First step is probably to seek some clarity through mediation or the courts. This is one of the rare situations when access to the other parent probably should be denied. However, getting the courts to agree will probably be difficult.

What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?

Once you know the broad framework of the weekly schedule, stick to it. Be firm and refuse any deviations from the agreed terms. Do not let the other parent change the times of the visits. If the other parent has agreed to pick up the child at a particular time, then wait only till then and follow your own plans thereon. There is no need to be available whenever he turns up at his convenience.

It’s important to record all these events; they will come in handy in court. Also, think of consulting a counselor to help you deal with the harmful effects of this on your child. And, they will testify these effects on the child in court.

Whatever be the situation, it is important for you to be warm and affectionate towards the child. Remember, these visits and the unfulfilled promises hurt the child much more and he is not old enough to handle that. As an adult and a parent, you have to be magnanimous and provide positive support to your child at such times.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

Dr. Noel Swanson’s website provides free expert parenting tips & advice – you will also find a free chapter to his highly acclaimed book, the GOOD CHILD Guide. Why not discuss parenting issues with other parents on a parenting forum? ~ai602

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