Parenting Guru

What do you recall about your childhood? I don’t remember much about mine. Snatches of this, hints of that. I am fifty-two. My sister is a year and a half older. When we talk about “those magical childhood days,” we often find that we remember them quite differently (including who was Mom’s favorite). Who’s right? Seems to me that I am. She always pulls the “age card.” “You’re too young to remember.” It can really make me angry. Problem is, she is probably right—at least in some cases. Childhood memory is a bit of a mystery, or maybe I should say, forgetting of childhood events is the real mystery.

There is a name for this forgetting phenomenon. It is usually termed childhood amnesia. It appears to be a robust effect that is well established [J.M. Fitzgerald, A Developmental Account of Early Childhood Amnesia. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 152(2)]. It appears that the period of childhood amnesia extends from birth to age three or four—sometimes its can even extend to age 6 or 7. Referring to that time period at a later age, children and adults do show the “snatches” of memory that I have experienced, but they seem to take all of the “snatches” and “snippets” and form a “conglomerate memory” blending many things together and embellishing and subtracting from actual events— as adults present at the time of the original event occurrence can attest.

Newcombe et al [Remembering Early Childhood: How Much, How, and Why or (Why Not). Current Directions in Psychological Science, 9(2)] affirm that the phenomenon of Childhood amnesia is real, but that people continue to be able to recall parts of their lives from age two to five, however in much less detail and accuracy than from later periods. Implicit memories may be present, even if explicit ones are not. As we shall see, this may have some relevance for emotional content of memory, even if facts are sketchy. Lastly, Newcombe et al conclude that the autobiographical content of early memories may be missing. I would add that, even if they seem to be present, they might not be veridical.

Now, in the midst of this, I must hasten to say that research has continued to strengthen the case for a reasonably robust memory in toddlers. It seems to persist for days or weeks. So, that being the case, and taking, say age five as the “memory pick up point,” we are left with a mystery attested to by Eacott [Memory for the Events of Early Childhood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 8(2)]. There have been many answers proposed from many theoretical perspectives to explain the “great forgetting.” Nevertheless, as of yet, no truly satisfactory consensus has been reached. One might say it is a mystery.

At any rate, I have been pondering a few real (shall we say “cult??”) classics from the late 60’s and early 70’s, namely Berne’s, Games People Play, Harris’, I’m OK- You’re OK, and Steiner’s, Scripts People Live. As I’m sure the fifty-ish+ crowd will recall, these are all classics of transactional analysis. Harris offered the most “pop view.” The others were more serious attempts. Of course, TA didn’t just “die out” in 1972 or so (just search the web!). It has long ago outgrown its moniker as a “pop psychology”—see for example TA for Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis by Stewart and Joines, 1987, Lifespace Publishing. I think TA offers some useful insights here.

The basic notion is that we all have an inner Parent, Child, and Adult. The Parent sounds and does just like our parents. And it offers the same injunctions—don’t’s, but of course we are offered plenty of do’s as well. The Parent includes other parenting figures as well. Of course the Parent isn’t necessarily BAD. If that were the case, there would be little hope of socialization, and we might all be a bunch of criminals. However, the Parent can offer up a hefty dose of guilt and pain and leave us feeling not “good enough.” The Adult in each of us takes in the data from our world, the data from the Parent, and the data from our either quilt ridden or more free wheeling Child and tries to make sense of the world—deciding which data is correct and which is unhelpful or simply wrong.

As Steiner points out, we use all of this and, either in early childhood, or at least by early adolescence, form a script for our lives. It may be one that tells us we are successful. It may be the script of “The Lonely Loser.” It may be a helpful script, or a harmful one; the point is that we will ever try to live it out, because it helps us make sense of our world (unless there is a conscious effort to change it and a bunch of work to do so—TA teaches that we can always change our script).

We also choose some basic life position, such as “I’m OK and You’re OK.” Harris, borrowing Adler’s notion of a universal inferiority complex feels that, no matter how “good” our parenting, we all emerge from early childhood with a life position of “I’m NOT OK and You’re OK.” I believe that Berne and Steiner might argue that one. The gist of it all, however, is that we have “an inner voice” that we may not identify as the Parent or the Child, a position, perhaps I’m NOT OK, and a life script with a beginning, middle and ending, written long ago to make sense out of life. It is doubtful that we recognize these things unless they are pointed out to us and we think about them.

Cowan and Davidson in Salient Childhood Memories [Journal of Genetic Psychology (145) First Half] point out that when adults are asked to produce their earliest memory, the memories tend to be largely unhappy ones. Not all researchers have found this effect, however the study appears to be well done and carefully analyzed. Acklin et al [Predicting Depression Using Earliest Childhood Memories. Journal of Personality Assessment (53(1)], report that adults recounting earliest memories involving deprivation, loss of control, poor human interactions—just plain negative stuff—were more likely to be depressed as adults.

You may wonder why a writer about fundamentalism is interested in all of this. As a child I attended a Child Evangelism Fellowship Bible Club. It was full of five to nine- year olds. Every week, we sang songs, did crafts, all kinds of fun stuff. Then they got out the heavy guns. We were sinners and God had a place for sinners. We were all going to hell. If we didn’t know what that was, well they made sure they told us. What impact does it have on a six- year old to be told that s/he is so bad s/he is worthy of hell? A five- year old? If fundamentalist big people told this to five and six- year olds, do you think they did any less with four- year olds? You see, now we are somewhere in that zone of childhood amnesia. At this age the Adult within the child does not have the cognitive capacity to sort through the input they are receiving.

I think of the writings of James Dobson in the 1970’s and 80’s (before he toned it down a bit for his newspaper column). I recall Larry Christensen’s, The Christian Family, published in the early 1970’s—the child raising bible when I was a fundamentalist. I well remember their advice about spanking and “breaking the will of the child.” In fact, I often reflect on all of the hierarchal authoritarian parenting/family schemes set forth by fundamentalist Christians and all of the books on Child rearing in fundamentalist/evangelical bookstores, and I am concerned. I remember being a Jesus Freak in the early 1970’s (as part of the Jesus Movement) and seeing two and three- year olds spanked. I recall one father who, as part of the ritual, even made his two- year old bring him the paddle. When the boy was two, every night, the parents would tell him a bedtime story about “going to hell.” Finally, one night, the child came “unglued” and began screaming that he didn’t want to go to hell. His dad said, “The good news, Bobby, is that you don’t have to, if you accept Jesus.” The church was all-abuzz! “Bobby got saved that night!” It became a real model and point of celebration for the church. What a clever and loving father and mother! After all, the boy was saved and only two- years old!

The TA folks say that the basic life position and script are pretty well written by five, six, seven or so. The childhood amnesia folks tell us that we can’t recall why we wrote it. The personality researchers remind us that we hang on to the “bad memories”—even if we don’t have them quite right and they cause us problems later—depression, anxiety, and (from a TA perspective) a likelihood of defeatist scripts. And the fundamentalist “child development experts?” Well, they help ensure our kids will write dysfunctional scripts through “hellfire,” beatings, and confused love. There must be a better way.

Toile baby bedding has enjoyed a meteoric rise over the course of the past decade–although hardly for the first time, given the fact that this unique and elegant fabric first made its grand entrance during the eighteenth century. After a long dormant period, toile has enjoyed an amazing resurgence in popularity, becoming a staple for designers preparing a special haven for a little one.

Characterized by finely detailed prints depicting humble scenes of bygone rural life, toile’s consistent ability to introduce elegance and tranquility into any space has made it an understandable favorite. Better yet, toile designs are now offered in a host of exciting new color combination unimagined at the time of its inception, ranging from dramatic pairings of cream and espresso to stunning black and ivory ensembles.

Those hoping to create an impressive and beautiful nursery for the son whose arrival they are so eagerly anticipating may feel some initial hesitation about toile as they shop for baby boy bedding. If you favor simple American country decor, you might think that a toile nursery is too “upscale”, but most toile designs fuse seamlessly with this particular existing home decor.

Fans of more modern styles will find that they are surprised by the way that toile’s simplicity is flexible enough to accommodate a home full of minimalist furnishings. Toile bedding designs for boys are especially noteworthy for their close attention to detail, observable in the addition of beautiful accents like satin bows and eyelet ruffles, which qualify as the perfect welcome for any little prince.

Needless to say, the dreams of building a grand nursery are frequently interrupted by worries about how much the adventure will cost. The good news is that parents need not go into debt as they furnish their son with a lovely sanctuary. Even the briefest internet search will acquaint shoppers with the fact that toile is readily available to those working with very little cash as they seek out crib bedding.

If you are expecting for the first time, you may be unfamiliar with the relief many mothers and fathers feel when they buy a well coordinated crib set. These ensembles combine all essential linens your son will require–and they are quite reasonably priced. Better yet, the collections often include extras like window valances, which make dressing your beloved little boy’s toile nursery a sweet and simple experience.

Toile baby bedding has soared in popularity in the last ten years, although these charming, classic patterns have been around since the 1700s. After years of dormancy, toile is going through a comeback and garnering interest from designers.

Some of our best selling nursery bedding sets are made of toile printed with delicate scenes of a rural America from a bygone era, a decorative touch that produces a serene yet masculine sleeping room for your little boy. Even nicer, toile can these days be found in an array of color combos that weren’t even thought of back in the day, and these can be anything from soft cream/espresso to stark black/ivory.

Expectant parents of a new baby boy can be hesitant about using one of the beautiful toile patterns when choosing their baby boy bedding. Some people who decorate in a homey, rustic fashion may suppose that toile patterns are overly delicate to mesh well. However, most of the pretty toile prints involve country scenes and do coordinately perfectly.

When your best friend, sister, or daughter is pregnant, you might be the lucky (or slightly stressed out) one asked to throw her baby shower. This can be a daunting task, especially when the guest list can include everyone from the crazy college roommate to the eighty year old grandmother. With this variety in guests and interests, it is a good idea to have a multitude of games which are fun and lighthearted, and easy for anyone to play. Having games prepared in advance will also keep the conversation flowing and ensure that everyone is having a good time, leaving you time to relax and enjoy the party. Choose a few of your favorites from the list of games, and you can be sure the party will be a hit!

ORIGINAL ONE PIECE SNAPUP

This is one of my favorite ideas, as it is a craft that can be done on the side while another game is being played. Set up a craft table on the side and stock it with enough basic white one piece snapup so that every guest can have one. Using fabric paint, have each guest decorate it in any way they choose. This is fun and relaxing, and many people enjoy it since they get to be creative! To help with the painting process, slip the snapup over a piece of cardboard. This ensures that the paint will not bleed and it makes it easier to draw on. This is a craft that will get everyone talking and can go on throughout the entire shower!

TINY TOTS TASTE TEST

This game is super fun, and one of my favorite ways to get a baby shower going. Buy eight jars of baby food and remove the labels. With a sharpie, number each jar 1-8 (on the lid or with a sticker, whatever you prefer). Pass out a spoon, pen, and a small piece of paper to each person at the party and have them number their paper from one to eight. Now, let the fun begin! Each guest tastes every jar of baby food and must write down what type of food it is. At the end, see who got the most correct and award them with a prize. This will definitely get the conversation rolling and break the ice!

WHO’S THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY?

This game requires a little planning ahead by asking each guest to bring a baby picture of themselves to the shower. When they arrive, collect all the pictures and tape them to a poster board. From here, the game can be played in two ways. One, have the mom- to-be guess who each picture is. Or, have all the guests guess, either taking turns or shouting out answers. It is always fun to take a walk down memory lane, and this game will get everyone talking!

YOU THINK I’M HOW BIG?

This game is sure to get everyone giggling. The object of the game is to guess the circumference of the mom-to-be’s belly. Purchase a ball of yarn and pass it around to each guest, having them cut off a piece of yarn which they think equals the size of the expectant mother’s belly. Once everyone has cut their piece of yarn, wrap each one around her waist. The prize goes to whoever guessed the closest!

These games are sure to be fun and get everyone involved! Although it is often fun to include prizes, we all know that this can get expensive. Prizes are not a requirement, but if you would like to do so there are several options. First, make sure the prizes are small. A nice bar of soap, some chocolates, or a candle are great options. If you would like to have more prizes, you can always ask each guest to bring a small wrapped gift (under five or ten dollars) and pass these out to each winner. No matter your budget, there are ways to make it work!

Take a stroll through any toy store and you will be bombarded with walls and walls of toys that are just plain LOUD. These toys all require batteries, most have blinding, pulsating lights, some have well-known characters molded or stamped into them, and they all assault the senses and seem to turn our little ones into mindless zombies.

So, what happens to those of us who want to raise children with imagination and curiosity? We make a choice. We fill our houses with some good old fashioned toys to counteract all the technology our children will be faced with day after day. Let’s start with the basics.

Kitchen Play – If you look around your kitchen right now, you’ll probably see quite a few plastic utensils that could be pretty fun in the bathtub. Or, you may want to take a stroll through a thrift shop and pick up a supply of plastic bowls, cups, and utensils at a reasonable price. Fill a tub with water, add some plastic containers, and your child will play “cooking” until they get pruny. Add some bubbles, and they can imagine they’re whipping up batter for a cake. Yummy!

Legos and Building Blocks – Children of all ages are fascinated by Legos and blocks. When your child sits down in the middle of a pile of blocks, the imagination can run wild. You may notice that some of the most unusual bridges, towers, cities, or even monsters start to appear. For the very young child, the simple building of a tower of blocks, knocking it down, and building it again, can keep them occupied for hours, screaming and giggling the whole time. For the older child, building a city or complicated structure takes concentration and imagination. They’re not only being creative, but also learning patience and improving their small-motor skills. After your child has completed a structure, sit down and ask about it. What’s its name? What are the people like in the new city? Is the city on earth or on another planet? Ask your child to describe what a day is like in this new city. This can be a learning experience that’s invaluable as well as fun.

Hand Puppets – There are all sorts of ways to create simple puppets. Your child can draw features they like on an old sock and it becomes a sock puppet. A pile of popsicle sticks can become a family of puppets when faces are drawn, cloth is glued on for clothes, and yarn is glued on for hair. You can even use an old pair of gloves. Just cut off the fingers of the glove and decorate to look like people, aliens, monsters, or animals. Your child’s imagination will run wild if you just get out the box of materials needed. Then, it will be time for you to sit down and enjoy the show!

Felt Story Boards – Telling stories is another way for children to use their imagination and creativity. A story board is easy to set up and use, even for the youngest storyteller. You’ll begin by making or buying a board. To make your own board you’ll need a large sheet of felt attached to a sturdy surface, like a painter’s easel or even a wall. You’ll find felt at craft or fabric stores. Buy a nice supply of colorful felt to be cut up into basic shapes for the younger child and more sophisticated props for the older child. A very young child will amaze you with their ability to create objects with just a few basic shapes. Have them tell you a story about each creation, as you may not realize what it is until they tell you! Your older child can research characters and props by looking through books and magazines. Encourage your child to not only design the characters and the settings, but to tell you the story, act by act.

Musical Instruments – Whether your musical instruments are home-made with a comb and wax paper or store bought, making music is a wonderful way to spend the day together. Teach your child that music can be made from anything, from an old oatmeal container, to scratching two pieces of sandpaper together. You may want to listen to music together and try to pick out the instruments that are making the sounds. Get some sheet music or song books and teach your child about what the notes represent, and if you don’t know, learn together. Simple bells can be strung together to create a one-of-a-kind instrument. There’s even music in nature. Go on a walk and just listen to the sounds of the world — music is everywhere in our lives.

Pretend Dress-Up – Pull out a big box of dress-up clothes, and your child’s imagination will kick into full swing. Fill that box with discarded frilly dresses, fancy shoes, goofy blazers, and silly ties, and let the fun begin. If your closets are not full of this stuff, you may want to give the second-hand stores a look. I’ve found the more garish the clothes, the cheaper they get. And the gaudier they are for the kids, the better they like them. Watch after Halloween for the lowest prices and purchase a few costumes for your dress-up bin. When your children start throwing themselves into dressing-up, the stories of who they are and what they’re doing start to develop, usually turning into a production of sorts in which you, the audience, is now invited to attend. Enjoy the show!

Art Supplies – Bring out some crayons, paint, kid-safe scissors, paper, glue, and even junk mail, and go to town! Even sidewalk chalk can be inspiring to kids. Give your child a place to draw, cut, and paste and you’ll have a busy, content, and creative child for hours. Vary the art materials often to keep your child interested. You’ll never know what sort of art projects your child may enjoy creating unless you provide a lot of different things from which to choose. This does not have to be expensive. Reusing paper bags for drawing is one way to stretch a dollar when creating an art project. Look around your house and see what you have that could be turned into art. Newspapers and magazines headed for recycling may provide your child the inspiration for a new art project, and at a bargain. Please SUPERVISE closely if you don’t want your child to have a self-induced bad haircut or attach the dog to the artwork!

Doll House – You don’t have to buy a large, expensive doll house for your child to enjoy the pleasures of play acting with dolls and creating an environment for them to live in. With a few boxes and craft items you have around, you can help your child build a house and decorate it to suit her taste and imagination. Scraps of wallpaper, fabric, small pictures, or just about anything can be used to furnish the doll’s new home. Then, listen as your child moves the dolls around through the house, living out their doll lives, and see if you don’t pick up on some funny dialogue your child is using with the dolls. Your child’s doll world will be a place to explore all sorts of curious ideas that aren’t possible in the world outside of the doll house. Sit with your child and enjoy the stories.

Books – Can any house have enough books? Make sure your house has a nice selection of great fiction and non-fiction books alike. A mix of the two is important so kids can choose, and so that they see they have a choice. Some homes lack a good supply of non-fiction books, especially during the pre-school years. There are enough suitable books in science, history and art to fill the bookshelves of any age child’s room. Your non-fiction library will not only be interesting to your inquisitive child, but will be a good base for learning to research material later in their school years, and beyond. Fiction on the bookshelves spurs the imagination and helps the not-so-eager reader stay interested long enough to learn that reading is important, and fun!

Your imagination as a parent is what will help your child develop their own imagination. When you create an environment for exploring the world, you are giving your child an opportunity to use their mind. Technology will always be there, but a child’s imagination is a changing and growing thing. You’re making it possible for your child to soar!

Vacations and holidays are times when parents get frustrated because their children pester them because of boredom. There are a variety of activities you can get your children enrolled in so that they learn something worthwhile and also are happy doing the same.

A) Martial Arts- You can enroll your children in Karate, Judo, Kung Fu or Taekwondo classes. Martial arts help to improve the health, flexibility, alertness and help to develop a person overall. Your child will be fit for life, think about it. And no one will dare to touch him or her.

B) Arts & Crafts- There are a variety of arts and crafts your child can learn.Many children love creative things. In fact, some have an inborn artistic talent. You can enroll your child in classes for drawing, painting, pottery, crotchet, origami, ikebana or flower decoration, etc. In fact there are so many different types of painting like oil painting, pencil sketching, fabric painting, etc. Your children will love to play with colors and learn something new.

C) Cooking- Yes, it may sound strange, but children would love to try cooking. You can involve them in cooking things where the usage of electrical appliances and fire appliances is minimal. Make sure you are with them. Try to bake a cake together. Or prepare Ice cream or cookies or sandwiches together. Throw a small party for their friends.

D) Computer classes – Get your children enrolled in some computer class which will help them in their school or college ahead. They can learn the different office suites, making presentations, using the Internet, email, etc. You can also get them to learn different designing softwares if they are interested.

E) Outdoor activities – If your children love the outdoors, you have a variety of options available. Swimming, horseback riding, rock climbing, cycling, etc., are very popular among kids. You could also send your child to a camp where they teach baseball, basketball, football, etc. to young kids. Just find out what your children prefer and take a decision.

F) Stamp Collection – Postage stamp collecting or philately is the most popular hobby in the world. Some people have become millionaires after selling their stamp collections. You can start stamp collecting by asking your family members and friends for the stamps they receive in their mail on the envelopes. You can visit your local post office. Many post offices have philately sections too. You can connect with different collectors on the web via different social networks. You can also purchase stamps on ebay and such sites. Some collect stamps only on a specific theme. Example – there are people who collect only olympic stamps. Start today. Similarly, coin and currency note collecting or numismatics is a very popular hobby. In fact some people collect both coins and stamps. These hobbies will help you to learn about new countries and cultures.

G) Collecting Other Stuff – Many people have a hobby of collecting different things. I am suggesting a few things you can start collecting and build up a hobby collection for yourself. A hobby helps you connect with similar minded people, make new friends, pass away your time, learn new things and have fun at the same time.

Some people collect sea shells and conches. Some people like to collect old music records or LPs. You can also try to collect match boxes from all over the world. Some of your collections may become valuable while some may not. You need to decide, what you enjoy most. Lots of Americans keep baseball cards. There are a lot of comic book collectors too. A first issue of Superman or Spiderman could bring you a fortune. Search your attic for old stuff. There are book collectors too. If you have the moolah, try procuring antiques. If you are super rich, you can maintain a garage of vintage cars. There are people who have hundreds of antique cars. If you aren’t so rich, well try and collect model scaled-down cars. These are very popular among collectors as well.

Ask your children to develop a hobby of collecting something or choose any of the other activities listed above.